Criminal Status

My brother means no offense. How do I know that? He tells me right before he says something incredibly offensive. We’ll be sitting at a bar, having a beer, discussing something like what it means to be successful and he’ll say, “No offense…but you’re too ugly and stupid to be successful.”

None taken.

So it’s with that concept in mind I say: No offense, but the tragic murder of the Yale student this past week has made me laugh. The murder itself isn’t funny, but the way it’s being reported is. Journalism used to involve tiny note pads, knocking on the neighbor’s doors and asking people’s friends and co-workers questions to figure out what a potential suspect was really like. Now that makes as much sense as a JC Penny catalog because of sites like Facebook and Myspace.

Unfortunately, for every teen busted for being tagged in a picture holding a beer can, there are as many desperate stretches to paint a picture of someone through the information on their page. I especially liked a moment in a NYTIMES.com piece about the person who would later be arrested for murdering the 24 year old Yale grad student. It delved deeply into possible motives by painting an illustrious portrait of Raymond Clark and his girlfriend Jennifer Hromadka. When talking about Jennifer they pulled in this golden nugget:

Jennifer wrote on her MySpace page that she’s not perfect, but cautioned people not to judge her.

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean!!” the 23-year-old wrote.

That’s some incredible journalism. I wonder if the journalist managed to actually go to myspace or simply looked over her co-worker’s shoulder while she surfed through Jennifer’s page. While the fall of journalistic integrity could be a valuable rant, I was more focused on the fact that Jennifer’s myspace status was under such judgmental scrutiny.

What would happen if, for some reason, I was placed in a very public investigation and MY facebook page was scoured for psychological insight? Here are actual Status Updates and what a criminal psychologist could potentially write about me. I encourage you all to do this for yourself and see how “normal” you seem.

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Would a poached egg over a brownie be a bad way to start the morning…or a perfect way to set the tone for a stay at home Sunday?

The suspect has a very unusual and unhealthy diet. He thinks he is a god who is above dietary concerns such as high cholesterol. He barely ever leaves the house and leads a secluded life – fantasizing about his next victim.

Off to the land down under – Mexico

The suspect has the geographical knowledge of a 4th grader. Oddly, his college transcript says he majored in Geography which means the college degree was acquired fraudulently. Probably lures his victims through an intricate series of lies.

The over under for how many hot dogs I could eat in one sitting is currently 6. What do you guys think?

He is always seeking approval and looks at normal activities as cumulative goals in the same way a serial killer internally competes to rack up a high kill count.

Governors Island…the blindest island in New York

He is a hateful person who murderously dislikes handicapped people, viewing them as inferior people who are a drain on society. He has a problem disconnecting people and objects – thus explaining his ability to kill humans in such a potentially gruesome manner.

32 Across: A place you’ll find bellybutton lint

He plays games with people – which is a common trait among cinematically depicted serial killers. A confession from him would surely be a cryptic message sent through the media.

You go to an acupuncturist to get acupuncture. You go to a chiropractor to get chiropracty?

The suspect is distrustful of doctors and people in authority. He disregards all science as heresy and believes healing can only come through rituals and sacrificial ceremonies.

Wants to remind you to call your mothers. They miss you/me.

He believes all people are connected to one mother being, which may or may not be extraterrestrial. He thinks his main purpose is to protect this, “mother” against those who wish her harm at all costs.

Wrote an article on puke

The undoubtedly guilty suspect has a fascination with excretions such as vomit and blood. He believes we are all sick and must be cured through his ritualistic killing. Has a general infantile predilection towards the world.